Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I hope i woe up in your car, or else i stole someone elses and slept in the back seat
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
