YOu come back ASAP and we will do whatever you want baby
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
As far as classy things to do in front of your ex go, throwing up on your own shirt is not one of them.
The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
We were so sore from having sex that we decided to fix it with more sex. It's the hair of the dog for sex hangover.
"I licked someones beard, because I can."
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
Randomize
