the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".
It was only one, it doesn't count.
BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
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