My balls are so social today.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
I'm so fucking horny right now If I blink I might cum
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
Just letting you know that while you peed your pants in that guys jeep, The orgasm I had made my hair fall out... Good morning.
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