make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
Freshman Move In Day, its like Christmas in August.
Dude, how the hell did you become an RA?
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Because Kyle had a tattoo kit at his house and I wanted one and all he could draw was a mustache or a stickman on fire
Someone sharpied "COCK HUNGRY" on my butt cheeks last night. When the fuck did I have my ass out?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize
