worst hand job ever. my dick is about as raw as that sushi your mom wanted me to try.
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
Hey, remember that girl at rocklobster you thought was hot but were to pussy to talk to? You were right, her boobs are fake and she gives the best head on the planet. Can you come pick me up?
You're dead to me.
On the bright side, nobody died. Please bring me back my left shoe. I have work in an hour.
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Where is Holly?
Nevermind. i can hear her having sex two doors down
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Randomize
