I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.
So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.
dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
I just gargled with NyQuil
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Randomize