im six kinds of drunk right now
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He turned down jacuzzi sex. He cares more about my vagina than i do.
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Needless to say, I woke up on the bathroom floor wearing the dress that my mom wore to the wedding. That open bar stole my soul.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Because you put the dick in ridiculously amazing boyfriend. And you deserve to have nice things happen to your penis. That's why.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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