you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
He made me promise not to describe his penis in detail to you....oops.
Randomize
