Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We lit firecrackers from NYE in the fireplace and he was so passed out that he slept through it.
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
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