It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to find an emoji but none convey my excitement for receiving good sex soon
Help me help you realize you are a moron
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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