a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
All i remember is Liz dragging me home yelling at me, crying, and barfing
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
Randomize
