break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
Erica just called me. She woke up in a storage closet in Mike's building with one shoe and no bag. Can you check your photos from last night to see if she had it at the bar?
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
He ordered three small pizzas while I was giving him head.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
The highlight of my week is I found some hetero porn I didn't completely hate. Branching out.
Randomize
