If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
You left your underwear on the fireplace
Not sure. No solid plans. Just tanning nude.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Randomize
