did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
I woke up to my dog puking on my bed. Looks like it was a successful night for us all.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
