Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
And if I could both stabilize myself *and* pick things up with my penis... Well, I wouldn't be on the fire dept...
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
The amount of times I have been emergency drunk in the past 72 hours is staggering
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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