I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
