y did u give ur computer a hand job?
So we made editble underwear with fruit roll ups and fruit by the foot
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
Okay. So I've done lines off a bible. But that's just for the sake of being cliché.
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
I've never seen anyone as high as you were.. you collapsed onto the kitchen floor hugging a tub of ice cream. You named it phil.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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