Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Hold on I'm doing something revolutionary that blossomed from a high idea
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Randomize
