Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!
either she doesn't know how to dress properly on a sunday morning stroll, or I just saw a 60 year old on a walk of shame
You stayed up for three hours wasted, feeding my rabbit 2 1/2 boxes of girl scout cookies.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I HAVE MY OWN TITS FOR THAT AND I CAN GUARANTEE THAT THEYRE MORE GLORIOUS
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
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