I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
It's 10am, I'm at grocery store buying booze b/c the bf just told me that he didn't "technically" break up with his ex.
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
he wanted to have sex on the little rocking chair but i was too high to figure out how to do that so we did it on the floor.
I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now
Yeah getting kicked out of the bar at 1 pm really set the tone for the day.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
