She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.
but she's really nice
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
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I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
Just got gas in my car for the first time while high. Went better than expected.
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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