my phone needs a breathalizer
umm..so Dad's wearing a thong, I don't know what to do
put a dollar in it?
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
He was dressed up as Jesus and had vodka in one hand while he was blessing everyone and splashing them with holy water in the bathroom.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
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