Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
four loko is apparently banned in the us. so i think its time for us to stock up. i already emailed them about buying them in bulk
Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Wearing scrubs to buy plan b so I look like I have my life together.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Lol. I liked you the most when we were banging random girls and trying to tag team everything. You were happier then.
Randomize
