i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
If body pillows had a built in vibrator attached I would literally never need a boyfriend again
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Obviously you're feeling a little sexually frustrated.
I consider humping a stranger every ten minutes when I walk in the street.
Neighbor just came over and asked if I had anything to clean blood out of carpet... it's definitely time to move.
Randomize
