There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
You don't know the capacity of my vagina
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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