Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
you'll never believe how fucking awesome rain man is when you're stoned.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
she's not going to take you seriously with an empty 40 and a sombrero on your head.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
my new game is to try to use the phrase "explosion in your mouth". as much as possible on tinder.
Sorry I trained your dog in Spanish last night. At least he listens to someone now.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
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