I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I would get the one fuckin stripper that's a lesbian. THE ONLY ONE
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The clothing optional portion of the night began around midnight. Then we did disgusting things to each other. It was beautiful.
It's the first weekend of the school year and I'm already selling stuff for booze. Need a microwave?
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Stop trying to mix nacho cheese and sex. Guys don’t want hot cheese near their junk. Pick a better fetish
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
Randomize
