Where are you?
In a non slutty way
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Everything about him screamed your future.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Did you blackout Saturday before or after we had sex in a random snow bank?
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize
