It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
Please make the clown in the corner stop judging me. I mean he's the one with paint on his face. I don't need him judge judying me.
I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I still can't believe that dog licked my nipple.
Randomize
