I think i sorta joined a cult last night
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls
Can the rest of this semester just go by as a montage?
just leaving uw hospital. they thought i had franzia-induced appendicitis. whaaaaat
I demanded respect from my fuck buddy. Drunk me is not fun.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
I had Mac n cheese made with weed butter last night. Epic
I think I fell asleep on my pizza last night. Damn, I am sauccccy.
Randomize
