All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.
I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Then years and years after that I will send you a picture of my warped vagina from all the kids that I had.
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I've made a new rule for socializing in the winter: if it doesn't involve me orgasming or getting drunk I can't make it
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
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