i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize
