how was the sex?
he smelled like pickles and burnt hair.
well, there's that.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I am at the point where deciding not to drink alone is worth a rocky music montage in and of itself.
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
I remember halftime. Then I woke up in Spain. I need a drink in order to process this.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I just discovered that jello shots are the best hangover cure
You said that last night when you did jello shots at 4am
Randomize
