I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
It's like God knew that was my ex's best friend and punished me. I've never vomited that much in my life.
He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
I offered to buy ihop waffles for all the homeless people outside the metro. It was time to go to bed.
That guy drinking savagely was actually at his buddy's gay bachelor party in the male stripper section. He came over to the chicks side so we drank with him.
He had some sort of penis-related post traumatic stress disorder, but body shots seemed to wake him up
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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