If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
Kinda thinking about going to my moms wedding high
Look don't ask questions just know that one thing led to another and I have a shot glass stuck in my ass. I need your help!!!
Randomize
