so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I'm going to skip that pointless convo with Mark, stick with the "we're talking" status, and bone barely legal, borderline gay, preppy guys on the DL.
He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Nothing says Welcome to America than having the international house watch a sorority girl puke over the edge of the porch at 8am.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
Had to sacrifice my vibrator batteries to the thermostat gods. I had a dirty dream and also almost a heat stroke.
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
Randomize
