Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
Randomize
