True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
bring money and cleavage
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
I'm either hallucinating or there is a dying cat outside my apartment....
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