I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
you kept introducing yourself to guys as "never going to happen"
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
8:30 every morning in the third floor bathroom we fuck in the handicap stall. You have your morning workout and I have mine.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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