Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
You have like just as much sex as me and I have a brand new bf. That does not add up. That is not right.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I basically gave Miranda rights to the guy I hooked up with, jus so we were all clear what was happening
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
Randomize
