Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
This toilet bowl is my home.
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