I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I didnt finish. My brain kept playing the duck tales theme thru the entire blow job
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I FEEL LIKE HILARY MUST FEEL WHEN TRUMP MANSPLAINS AT HER
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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