shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
Before I left in the morning I deleted her purity ring app off her iPod, I figured it would save her the shame
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Never let a one night stand shower at your place. My razor, lotion, and brush disappeared. #girlcode
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
holy shit I was not prepared for her to whip out that dildo
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
She kept telling me that it pissed her off that i expect people to make out with me...then she made out with me. Win?
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