The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?
i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
I was hoping we just happened to wake up naked and I hadn't fucked him.... no such luck.
I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.
Did u at least say sorry?
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
You shall now refer to my vagina as patty and patty only
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
Is it inappropriate to match with someone on tinder just to ask if the friend in his profile picture is single?
Randomize
