she was wearing a cheetah print one-piece and i slept with her anyway. big mistake.
Im bringing wine tonight. Its from a merlot from nashville. i bet it'll taste like infidelity and teenage pregnancy.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
it's ok. he made up for it by standing there and holding my purse while i made out with three guys at the bar. it was a pretty good night.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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