i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
I dont understand why so many people are content staying in and avoiding alcohol and sex
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
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