So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
There's a vagina buried somewhere in there.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
After three games of beer pong ending in victory by death cup, all four of us bonded in the fact that we all slept with the girl's boyfriend at some point in time in the past year. She had no idea.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
