Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
And is it bad that I haven't talked to guys who I haven't already dated? I feel like a recycle bin.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
The guy I'm talking to drunk texted me his essay last night and he asked me to revise it
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Well we found Mark's missing underwear. They're pinned up on Mike's trophy wall.
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
