She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
She looked so much better when u didn't look at her and the music was too loud to hear her
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
