Apparently you walked through my house with your dress on your head
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He ate me out in the forest at that park we used to hit my bong in highschool again, somehow this isn't what I pictured being 25 would be like
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Why does everyone always assume I'm fucking their boyfriends?
You are fucking her boyfriend.
and please, if you feel the urge to call me crying tomorrow night, do so. i will be home bored and sober.
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
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