Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Banged my ex-wife last night...so I belong to that club now.
I blew past the Governor's motorcade going twice the speed limit and DIDN'T get a ticket. God wants me to get laid.
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
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