sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Due to last night I think a roommate constitution should be made. The first law will be designed to prevent any chicks below a 4 to enter the house.
I guess she was just worried I'd end up sleeping with you again
It's not too late to disappoint her you know...
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I have no regard for my liver, you should know this.
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
