She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
She stopped laughing and kind of stared at the wall for a while. Then she did 3 somersaults and said she saw jesus. This weed is fucking fantastic.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
No dude, I'm not naming my kid after your beard
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
Nothing like introducing yourself to your high school boyfriend's wife as "the girl who took his virginity"
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
