I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
I'm pretty sure they had a hash wedding cake. I love college weddings.
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
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